We all spent the last couple of months talking about whether the Mayans would be right in their prediction that December 2012 would be it. Personally, I think it's much more likely that whatever Mayan dude in charge of writing the calendar at one point said, "Okay, fuck it. None of these idiots are going to be around this far in the future, so I'm just going to quit writing this and go back to doing something useful."
Well, now it's January 1, 2013. Zombie awareness (and subsequent fear) has never been higher. Is this going to be the year that it happens? Are we going to wake up one morning to an eery quiet, only to look out our windows and see cars randomly stopped on the street, and fires vaguely burning a few miles in each direction? It damn well might be. So, in anticipation, I wanted to run through some of the top "Here's What I'm Going To Do When The Zombie Apocalypse Comes" plans that I've heard to date. Undoubtedly, there are more out there. But these are the ones I hear most commonly:
- I'm going to lock myself (and my family, if I've got any left) in my basement. I think this is a natural instinct because of all the tornado, hurricane, and cold war drills that we did as children. No matter what horrible situation happens, you must always run to the basement! The sad fact is, this is likely a fatally flawed plan, because when your house does get overrun (and believe me, it will), you're stuck in a place that only has one way out, maybe two if you're extremely lucky. So, I'm voting "bad idea" on this one.
- I'm going to a military installation. A good plan on its face. Military installations are generally hardened sites, filled with people with guns. Now, Sergei and I happen to live in the DC metro area, where there are tons of obviously hardened US Government sites (and many more that most people don't know about). But for the rest of you who don't live here - think about what perils you might encounter on the way. The roads are likely to be clogged with abandoned vehicles. The power might be out, making it difficult to get gas. This plan is fraught with things that can go wrong. I'm also voting "bad idea" here.
- I'm going to the woods. This isn't a bad plan. The woods can be a great place to hide. It's hard to track you and your party, and there is lots around you that can make survival a real possibility. But let's face it - you're going to have to have some decent survival skills, and most of you wouldn't know how to function if The Voice wasn't on next year for its next season. So, I'm going to vote "eh, maybe" on this one, depending on how self-sufficient you are.
- I'm going to the top floor of an apartment building. This, I think, is a good plan. You'll have shelter. You'll have the high ground. You'll have visibility. You'll have access to the other apartments so you can raid them for supplies, and maybe even guns. Solid plan. Security will be paramount. If you don't believe me, go subscribe to the podcast called "We're Alive." It's a good one.
- I'm going to the roof of Wal-Mart. Ah, we've come to my personal favorite. The roof of Wal-Mart is a massive expanse that is the dream of any survivor of a zombie apocalypse. You've got the high ground, you've got a lot of room up there, and just below you, you've got literally shit-tons of supplies. And tires, if you need them! Thumbs up from me on this plan.
So, when it happens, you'll likely find me (and hopefully Sergei and his family) on the roof of a local Wal-Mart here in Northern Virginia. We'll paint signs on the side of the building and the roof, so you'll know where to find us. See you there.
Lock and load,