Friday, December 16, 2011

zombies and the holidays?

So, it's been a while since I posted here. My apologies. As my esteemed colleague Sergei pointed out, summer is pretty excellent, and we've been having a pretty good time on patrol for potential invasions. Anyway, I was talking to my mom a few weeks back and she pointed out to me something that I hadn't really thought of before -- why do you never hear about the zombie apocalypse occurring during winter? In all of the movies, the books, the magazines.. it's almost always summer (or some time when it is not butt ass cold outside). So I want to spend a few minutes of my (and your) time exploring some of the possibilities about why we never hear about zombies in the winter.

First, the most obvious explanation -- some type of physiological change occurs in the body when you become a zombie and is made easier by heat. Unfortunately, it seems that no one has really ever explored this option seriously (feel free to post comments if I'm wrong). But, that's definitely a possibility. Given that I'm not a doctor and I know next to nothing about anatomy, and have never actually met a real zombie, I just don't know.

A second and more plausible explanation is that for some reason, zombies just don't like the goddamn cold. Maybe they hibernate, like bears! Bears are pretty damn scary, and so are zombies, so I'm thinking that there is quite likely something to this theory, given all of the commonalities that we've just explored between bears and zombies. Okay, so possible explanation number two is that zombies hibernate. This is pretty groundbreaking research that we're doing here, people. I don't know that anyone has ever put forth such an explanation before!

OK, so those are a couple of explanations as to why zombies don't show up in the winter. I really can't think of any more right now, so I encourage you to leave some comments with your own theories. Right now, though, I want to point out one of the reasons that I think zombies would actually have it EASIER if they were to attack during the winter. The reason, quite simply, is that humans are fatter during the holidays. We eat more (at least in America), because, well, that's what we do. We exercise less because it's cold and our noses run and we'd rather just sit on our asses. So, given that humans are inherently fatter during the holidays, wouldn't that make it easier for zombies to chase us down and have their own little individual Thanksgiving feasts on our flesh? Also, because we're not exercising as regularly, our stamina will be down. So not only are we running slower, but we can't even run for as long! It's a boon for the zombies! They don't know what they're missing.

God, I hope they can't read the Internet.

Much love, until next time... remember, the zombies are coming. Stay frosty out there.

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